BDF's BDSM Ep.04: "Self Reflection"

DISCLAIMER: None of this is advice. It is purely based on my own experience, research, and opinions. I will quote some articles here, if you are interested to read them, feel free to message me for links.


This week, I fucked up. I made a mistake, which led to me getting very upset with myself and doing a whole bunch of research, which in turn inspired this thread. Without going into detail, I reacted badly to a situation between myself and Tink.


Basically, I got upset at a situation that we had never defined any rules or boundaries over, and I lost my temper. The good news here, is I managed to recognise my mistake, and correct my lapse in judgement before doing anything that I would regret.


We talked in depth about it. I apologised profusely, accepted that the fault was completely mine, and we put it to bed. For now... Deep down I was in turmoil. I

was genuinely angry at myself. I had both scared and confused this beautiful creature who had entrusted me with her most sacred possession; her submission. What was wrong with me? Do I deserve her? Do I deserve anyone's submission?


And that led to tonight's research session. I was determined to absorb as much information and as many different perspectives as I could on what it truly means to be a 'good dominant'


Now I understand, the concept of 'good dominant', varies between dynamics, based on the individual needs and desires of the people involved. But surely there must be a baseline? A common standard? How can I be better? How can I be more deserving?


I read a bunch of articles (I'm happy to share links if anyone else wants to read them, message me). I took a bunch of notes, and most importantly I thought about myself a whole lot!


I began to tick things off in my head, trying to acknowledge those things that I'm good at, and also identify where I need to make some changes. To be self-aware is key. Honest self evaluation is essential.


Here's some things I acknowledged I was already pretty good at:

  • Being respectful

  • Keeping Promises

  • Being open to criticism

  • Kindness

  • Selflessness

  • Empathetic

Don't get me wrong, this list is not exhaustive. And it takes MUCH more to be a good dominant. What's more important here, is the ways that I saw I need to change. Let me share a few gems from my research that touched me, and how I feel about them.


"Pretending that mistakes will not happen". Now to be honest, I've always been aware that mistakes can happen. But it didn't stop me from getting really upset with myself when I did it. I really let it drop my mood. I need to be more realistic with my expectations. It may be a learning experience for both parties and not necessarily someone’s “fault.” This is why aftercare is so important, as it can help to alleviate some of the discomforts that may have been caused. This is not me excusing myself. This one was definitely my fault.


"Having a firm grasp of control and what it means" This is not just control over a submissive, which, lets face it, is control that is willingly given to us. But control over ourselves. Control of our lives. Control of our behaviour. This idea of understanding and demonstrating control, made me doubt myself heavily. I haven't felt in control of my life/goals/aspirations for so long, (more about this in an upcoming post), that I feel sorely lacking here. I need to exercise control more.


"A true Dom will degrade a sub, because he respects them. A Dom sadist will hurt a sub, because he loves them. At no point is it about anger, hate, or disgust." Anger has no place in a D/s relationship. Although I didn't degrade OR hurt Tink, the anger was not appropriate.


"Fit in Body, too" "most real Doms take care of their bodies and are good shape" These quotes are included here solely for myself. There is zero intention to body shame anyone. The fact is, I am unhealthily overweight. It's something I do not like about myself. (Ever wonder why you lot only ever see my shoulders and above, and my legs? What's in the middle aint pretty!) This is a problem for me for several reasons.


1. I should strive to be healthier, not just for myself but also those that love me

2. It speaks to my control issues. Another reason to take back control

3. The sexual scenes that arise in a D/s relationship, require mental, emotional AND physical endurance


This is just a smattering of the information I gleaned to guide me on my journey into becoming a truly deserving Dominant. I am committed to improving myself constantly, to be the man worthy of being entrusted with someone's body, mind and soul.


I promised no advice at the beginning of this thread. I lied. I'm sorry. Gentlemen, If you desire for that special someone to surrender to you, completely, to be totally vulnerable with you. Make sure you earn it. Never stop Learning. Never stop improving.


Stay Kinky!


BDF

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