BDF's BDSM Ep.05: Freaked the fuck out!

So once again, it is 1am, and I, BDF, am about to write a long, and probably far too honest post. Advanced warning, this will not be as well thought out and coherent as my other posts. My mind is far too jumbled right now.


I read something on my Twitter timeline tonight which got the old grey-matter churning. And I will state here, the people involved in the thread that triggered this, may well read this post. If you do, and you know it's you, please don't feel bad. I want to thank you.


Thank you for making me think deeply about myself. My motivation. And once again, kicking me into a frenzy of research that both calmed my mind and raised more questions. So, now you're wondering, what the fuck did he read?


I saw a thread, discussing when Doms make mistakes. Something that you know I am aware of, based on another instalment of this series. I recently made a mistake, and beat myself up severely for it. My little, Tink, helped me through it.


The type of mistake I saw discussed tonight, was a physical mistake, an accident with an impact toy, causing unintentional physical pain to a submissive. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't so naive as to think this never happened, but I hadn't fully thought it through. My brain spiralled. As most of you are aware, and I'll emphasise it again now, I am very new to BDSM, and D/s relationships. I've only experienced it as an online/LDR. I know it's what I want. It feels right. And I have a passion for it, to learn and be better. But so much of it feels 'theoretical' right now. Emotionally its very real. I love TInk as much as anyone I ever have. The fact it's online doesn't diminish that one bit.


One thing I know I'm good at, is guiding, protecting, and caring for someone's emotional needs. I am a natural teacher and guide, and am nurturing to my core

. It's why I have always identified as a Daddy Dom. I desire to be dominant, in a way that makes my submissive/little feel safe, happy and loved. I want to be dominant in all the ways that she needs.


That includes physically as and when we get the chance to meet up and be together. We've talked about all manner of things, spankings, discipline, punishments, crops, paddles, the list goes on. We have role-played scenes, and discussed how we felt afterwards.


But tonight got me seriously freaked out. "What if I fuck it up?", "What if I hurt her too much, or in the 'wrong way?'", "How the fuck do I learn how to do this safely, and 'practise', when its on another person that I love so much?"


Then my brain spiralled further. "If I'm this freaked out, is this right for me?" "If I lack so much confidence, is this fair on my submissive?" It was bad enough that I started to feel nauseous about it.


So I did what I do best. I researched. Consuming knowledge always helps me clear my head and organise my thoughts. I ended up with 15 articles open in different tabs on my PC. (I didn't read them all tonight, some I've saved, even I can suffer information overload)..


I'm not going to go into depth about what I read, but I will say this, it reinforced my desire to be in a D/s relationship. It made me see that a certain level of self doubt and dips in confidence are to be expected and are ok. It did make me realise that I need to do some work on myself, to not let my self esteem drop so fast and hard. There's always room for self improvement. And it made me realise how much more I have to learn, and not all of it can be 'book learning'.


I need to step outside of my comfort zone, and reach out to some experienced Doms, and get some advice. If I was back in the UK, (and when I do get back) I would be looking for clubs and groups I could get to know to meet some people in the lifestyle.


I think most importantly, I realised how much farther I still have to go. And I'm ok with that. I have the heart of a Dominant, and the potential to be a great one. The realisation of that potential lies solely in my own hands.


Thanks if you stuck with this post. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm gonna sleep now, and maybe I'll delete this when I wake up. Some of you may be getting DMs from me. I hope that's ok.

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