BDF's BDSM Ep.06: Sweet Sadism

Updated: Nov 12, 2020

Well, here we are again. It's been months since my last BDSM blog post. And what a couple of months it has been. I will give a thorough update on all things personal in a separate post for those of you that are interested. Today, we focus on the beautiful world of BDSM.


Today's topic is one that has been on my mind a LOT recently. Something that both confused and intimidated me, not just to write about, but simply to think about as well.


Sadism. It's a scary word right? Well, it was to me. Since I started my journey through this wonderful kinky community, I have seen many Doms who describe themselves as sadists, in a variety of tones, "Gentle Sadist", "Kind Sadist" are often seen.


My initial thoughts were, "that's not me". I actually thought that sadism was dangerous, close to a mental illness. Certainly not something to be proud of or even comfortable with. Identifying as a 'soft Dom', I was absolutely sure that there wasn't a grain of sadism in me. On all these counts, I was completely wrong!


Over time though, I started to pay more attention. I discovered several couples on kinky twitter, where the Dominant certainly seemed to display sadistic tendencies. These are couple's who over time I have developed a very deep respect for. They embody everything I admire and crave within the D/s lifestyle. It was very clear to see how much love and respect these Doms display towards their partners, and the corresponding trust and respect and adoration that the submissives return.


It was clear however, from the lifestyle stories that these couples grace us with periodically, that the Dominant clearly derives pleasure from inflicting pain, and discomfort upon their submissive partner. I was starting to see the beauty, not just of D/s, but of sadism and masochism working together.


I was still pretty sure, however, that I wasn't like that. Until I met Tink. You guys know Tink, I've spoken about her before. My incredible, beautiful, submissive little. Currently we are still separated by great distance, and our play has been limited by the constraints of this distance, but we have discussed, and roleplayed in great detail, many intense, rough, scenes. Over the first month or two (I'm actually writing this on our 3 month anniversary, Happy Anniversary Princess), I felt new feelings stirring. I definitely got turned on at the idea of inflicting controlled pain on Tink. The thought of her enjoying it, made me enjoy it more, and I seriously started thinking that there was a sadist waking up inside me.


But, you know me by now. I had to research, and boy, is there a lot to research when it comes to sadism. I won't go into too much detail, there's a lot of very interesting psychology involved, but it was very clearly explained, that sadism is not a 'mental illness'. (apologies to any sadists out there who may have been irked by my use of that term, but it certainly was considered as such in the past, and before looking into this myself I was completely ignorant of it)


Sexual Sadism Disorder is the only exception here, but in order for that to apply, there are two VERY important conditions to meet. Firstly, the harm must be inflicted on a NON-CONSENTING individual. This has NEVER been the case in any of the healthy, loving D/s relationships I have observed. Secondly, the sadist will experience UNCONTROLLABLE URGES, to cause pain. Now if the word uncontrollable can ever be used to describe a person, then they certainly have no place in BDSM. A Dominant must be in control, that is without debate.


In order to fully understand safe sadism, within a healthy dynamic, I finally took my own advice, and reached out to several experienced Dominants that I have been lucky enough to become acquainted with through twitter. Most of the tiny audience of this blog will know who I am talking about, TheDarkRavenLord, 'M' from KinkAcres, and Hansa bosbach. I posed a single question, "Do you consider yourself a sadist, and what does that mean to you?"


All three were extremely gracious in giving me their insights, and permission to share it with you. Their words definitely helped me process feelings I was experiencing, and gain a better understanding of sadism within a loving D/s relationship. I will share just a couple of highlights that resonated particularly deeply with me.


TDRL suggests that almost all Dominants have a sadistic streak, merely at different levels. For some it may be such a low level that it's barely a consideration, but sadism does not always have to involve physical restraint, or pain. The insistence on a submissive having to perform certain tasks that they dislike, or despite it not being a hard limit, find difficult, and the enjoyment a Dom will get from observing this certainly falls under the umbrella of sadism. TDRL also explains that for those that feel a level of sadism, it requires a sub with an appropriate level of masochism. Notice, appropriate, not matching. It's almost impossible to find a completely matching personality, and this is where compromise becomes key. A willingness to adhere to strict, negotiated limits, and never to break them. He even explains how in his own dynamic, with the wonderful Born To Obey, the match is not perfect. He explains, "she has an unnaturally high pain tolerance, loves the elements of humiliation and degradation I give her from time to time...However, as we only ever work within agreed limits and thresholds, I have to restrain myself, something I have learned from our many years together." This restraint on the part of the Dominant is absolutely crucial. It demonstrates self control, and builds trust.


M explains, "I do consider myself a sadist but strictly with my partner. It only pertains to sexual gratification and no other aspects of the word exists for me. She has a serious masochism issue where I have to fulfil that role to satisfy her. I very much get off on dishing out the pain I know she craves." This is particularly poignant for me, as I have always tried to be everything my submissive needs. In the past this has required me going outside of my comfort zone, but in the end realising that I am more comfortable in that place than I thought I would be. Gradually pushing my own limits, to discover the real me. This has culminated in my feeling very strongly that fulfilling my sub's need to receive pain, results in great satisfaction for myself.


Hansa, describes himself as "a dichotomy. A gentle sadist". He makes it clear that he derives pleasure from another's pain, but under strict conditions. He explains, "What triggers that pleasure and joy in me is a couple of things. First.. consent. I have to know it's something they want. Otherwise I'm not interested. And second.. masochism. My partner needs to be enjoying it. Only then do I feel free to enjoy being a sadist." Hansa helped me to see that it is possible to balance being a gentle person at heart, while nurturing a very real sadistic side. This balance is based upon strong ethics, being strict about when, and with whom he plays, and the important distinction that pain should always have a purpose, "Either to give pleasure through it's application, to contrast with pleasure, or to enhance it."


I am extremely grateful for the experience and advice these guys shared with me, and it left me with a lot of info to sift through and a lot of feelings to decipher. I certainly relate to a lot of what they shared and explained. What I really came to understand was, discovering my sadistic side, doesn't change who I am. I am still the soft Dom I always identified as, but I am learning new things about myself.


This is an intriguing process, and a slow one, especially as, while I am still learning about my sadistic side, Tink is also still learning about her own masochistic tendencies, and her own limits. This makes open and honest communication absolutely key, and we have had several in depth discussions about this, especially about how we would introduce the physical aspects of our relationship as and when we are able to be together in a post-covid world.


What I have learned from studying this topic, is that, taking sadistic pleasure in the inflicting of pain upon the one you love, so long as it is safe and consensual, is completely healthy. If you are a new Dom discovering this about yourself, do not fear it. Be careful, be responsible, be open and honest, and stay in control. as TDRL says, "There is little more dangerous than an uncontrolled sadist in our lifestyle". Follow my lead, and reach out to those more experienced than you.


Above all else,


stay safe, stay sexy!


Images used with permission from SWLPhotographic

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