So firstly, BDF, stands for Big Daddy Fox, my Twitter handle. Nuff Said?
So last night was a first. One of the fundamentals we learn on our journey into BDSM is the importance of aftercare. The nature of the scenes we engage in makes it absolutely vital for a number of reasons.
I’ve also always been aware of Dom’s needs for aftercare too. A lot of the activities we partake in are intense and have a deep impact on both Dom and sub. One thing I’ve read about, and been aware of, is Sub Drop, and conversely, Dom Drop.
In the brief time I have been in the BDSM community, I have always religiously prioritised aftercare for my subs, and made sure they were completely safe, comfortable and looked after. And as for myself, I had never noticeably needed aftercare.
Dom Drop was something I hadn’t experienced or even applied to myself. Until last night. My little, Tink had a very bad evening. 2 very scary events had occurred after work, and she was extremely upset.
As I’m sure all you LDR/Online Doms can relate, being so physically far from your beloved sub in times of great distress is heart-wrenchingly difficult. I comforted Tink in the best way I knew how, and led her through a scene that I knew would help quiet the turmoil.
It got intense. In a good way. The scene helped in exactly the way it was intended too. We were both happy and satisfied. We discussed the scene. I asked how she felt about it, and she reassured me that it was exactly what she needed. But it was extremely late.
We spoke for a little longer before I wished her goodnight with strong affirmations of my love for her. I was proud. Taking care of my Princess is such an honour, and it feels great to know I have given her what she needed. So why did I feel so low? Empty even?
It seriously troubled me that I felt so down after what I felt had been a really positive experience for both of us. I couldn’t sleep. I paced around the house, reflecting on all the events of the previous night. Then I took to the Internet. Research time.
My brain reminded me of Dom Drop. It had been in the back of my mind for a while but I hadn’t put 2 and 2 together. I looked it up, and I’m so glad I did. Thanks to a really helpful blog post written by KaylaLords and Episode 127 of LovingBDSM things made sense*.
I was sure I was experiencing Dom Drop. The scene Tink and I had played out clearly would have had psychological and physiological effects. There would certainly have been an endorphin high, followed by a low as the effects dropped off. Clearly the low was deeper than normal.
Listening to the LovingBDSM podcast really helped me understand what I was feeling, and normalised it for me. I spoke with Tink the following morning and explained openly and honestly what I had felt and experienced. She was extremely understanding and supportive. It felt wonderful to have that conversation, and to grow together from what we had learned. It was eye opening for me to realise I’m capable of feeling that drop after the ‘kinky fuckery’ ends.
The important takeaways from this experience for me, and perhaps some of you will benefit from thinking about this, are;
1. Never stop learning. Do research. If you are unsure, identify trustworthy, experienced people in the community and learn from them.
2. It’s ok to feel that drop. It’s not weakness. And it doesn’t mean you did something wrong. The lifestyle we choose pushes our limits sometimes, and there will be consequences of that.
3. Open and honest communication within your dynamic is absolutely key. Making sure both partners understand each other’s needs and makeup will make the whole experience more rewarding. Ensuring all parties feel safe and cared for is paramount.
I’m grateful to those experienced Doms, subs and Couples that share their experiences. And resources like LovingBDSM are great for helping us navigate the pathway into BDSM.